Dhamma Greetings Rich.
Few words about Marriage topic and then some…
First, Everyone changes. We might not see the change outwardly, but they do
change all the time. This is true of everything in the universe. Nothing is
permanent. ( Well, I have to take that back. Some of you know my story about the
1700 miles of driving I did one time while searching for one thing in the entire
universe that was permanent. And I could not find it. Then when nearing the end
of the journey, it popped purely and simply into my head! There was ONE THING.
IMPERMANENCE! Across the cosmos, within every living thing, there was this
existence of CHANGE. THAT WAS PERMANENT and not a one of us could do anything to
alter that. Even at that discovery, at that moment, there would still be a
deeper discovery to come a year or so later.
What is very FIRM AND TRUE is that WE CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER PER”SON. This is a
universal Law. They must change themselves. Metta cannot be used effectively as
a bat! The way metta changes the world around you is when YOU BECOME THE WICK OF
THE CANDLE FOR YOUR OWN METTA. To do this, YOU have to get out of the way and
just BECOME THE METTA.
So, within any relationship, what we can do within a relationship is to change
ourselves. Only one person has to have the understanding too. The other person
does not have to have the information or training for this to happen. The energy
of the metta will radiate outward around us and then things begin to change….
but we cannot have any expectations, or desire the change on any timeframe.
One really great way to help your situation is to practice FORGIVENESS
meditation first before using the METTA. Forgiveness meditation seems to clear
the runway of all the rubbish so the METTA plane can then take off more
There is a Full circle Forgiveness meditation that we give instructions for that
is VERY POWERFUL and we now are asking most students to do the forgiveness at
the front end first if they run into ANY wall when they begin doing metta. Even
if they don’t this is a really good. It’s like colonics treatment for the body.
It helps to remove all poisons before starting a new way of living.
In this practice one of the main things is to begin with yourself and spend a
few days to see what it feels like if you FORGIVE EVERYTHING!
If you will do this, and then send a smile into whatever it is with a little
dash of metta, then you will experience something really exhiliarating. Freedom
from tension. It’s lovely.
A basis to begin with is to forgive yourself for not understanding.
“I forgive myself for not understanding” this become the point to work until it
is finished… . …. and 6R anything that comes up and let it go…. if anyone
pops up during this time, then say to them, “I forgive you” and smile at them
and keep going until they turn to you and forgive you with a smile…..
Then move on…. say that point again until that one is empty..
As you are doing the forgiveness of yourself, you may say another point like, “I
forgive myself for talking too much”…. Keep letting that go and 6Ring any
memories of the pst that come up too …. any people pop up, forgive them and
smile until they forgive you… and keep going like this sincerely…
People can clean house for a day, a month, I worked with this the first time for
Do it until you feel really cleaned up….
Once you understand the power of this tool, later on you can use it again… if
something should arise….
After the runway feels cleared up, then you can begin to do the metta…. and it
will be more successful… This is really good and you will already have
developed smiling too.
Within a marriage, what is important is that the two people do not ACTUALLY try
to become one. It is most important to have respect and loving kindness and to
have a lot of compassion.
Remember that COMPASSION here means, ” seeing a person in pain, giving them the
patient space to have their pain, and loving then unconditionally ”
So this is learning to check in with each other and help each other keep on
developing as human beings, and then finding some common ground you can work on
together as a project for the marriage for many years to come….
If you practice Loving Kindness properly, with NO EXPECTATIONS< No judgement, <
No demands, and give support and love to the other person, then things will
gradually shift… This stuff really does work if it is handled right.
Hope this is helpful.